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"'

But while exploring this (and, as I mentioned,

helping me master the urge) none of my therapists exposed

to me the simple, blinding underlying truth that in a

-society which condemns homosexuality and hence

.forces it to be secret, the homosexual will wish to break

out of secrecy by telling someone-and hence that what

needed to be explored was not my urge to confide, but

the question why I confided rather than making sexual

advances, or seeking gay society where I could find com–

pany and sex with less risk. That this was the real ques–

tion I had to figure out myself, at 28.

Similarly, my therapists spent much time trying to

discover why my relationships with straight friends

were so passionate-rather than asking me why I

formed these passionate relationships

with straights.

Similarly, after the homosexual affair which lost me

my teaching job-a very warm relationship which has

continued, intermittently, to this day-1 brought to

my next therapist the datum that while in bed with my

lover, I felt completely harmonious and "natural," not

"sick" at all and not even guilty.

Although this contradicted the very basis of the

feeling which led me to psychotherapy, my therapist

never took the initiative in exploring the contradiction.

It was left to me-because of this and because of other

factors-to begin wondering exactly how sick I would

feel if there were no stigma attached to being gay.

The failure to ask such questions might be thought

to result from the "non-directive" quality which is

supposed to characterize psychotherapy. But elsewhere,

my therapists

were

"directive." Very late, actually

while I was "coming out" through Gay Liberation, I had

a sexual affair with a woman (also a warm one, inter–

rupted only by ,circumstances). To this my therapist's

response was positive: with a little smile, "Well-1

see something

has 'come out.' "

1972

The therapist's cues revealed clearly enough the

idea of a repressed heterosexuality which

should

be

"brought out," and though Freudian theory assumes

an inborn bisexuality (an assumption I don't share, not

regarding

any

particular form of sexuality as inborn),

this theory assumes that repressed homosexuality

shouldn't

be brought out, but should be sublimated.

Thus psychotherapy, in my case, was directive indeed.

Rather than from "non-direction," the omissions

of my therapists seem to me now, to have resulted from

their own assumption that I was, by definition, sick–

that homosexuality (but not heterosexuality) is a path–

ology . It did not occur to them to question my own

identical Preconception O••estions which might have

been suggested by a skentical view

on

this point never

occurred to tnen •.

And so the therapists failed to help me understand

my situation-to overcome my own lack of under–

standing. Even from a viewpoint assuming homosexuality

to be a pathology, I would think, it would remain

true

in fact

that my urge to self-revelation was related

to my

social

isolation as a homosexual, and was self–

preservative, although neurotically so-that what was

self-destructive was my confiding in the wrong people.

But my therapists never helped me to understand

this. To have done so would probably have "directed"

me toward gay life. And, if I hadn't already been

moving away from psychotherapy, after my heterosexual

affair (if it had occurred at all) my therapist

would have encouraged me to mull over that

experience, to try to cultivate my heterosexual

impulse... and to waste another

10

years on top of

the

14

I had wasted already.

The therapists' theory made them incapable of view–

ing my situation as I now would view it. If I understand

it, their view was that the conflicts in mv mind about

55

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