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touch with. That I didn't feel

as guilty. This made you an–

gry. It made you feel alone

again. I know now that it

wasn't that I felt less guilty, it

was simply that you had

made it easier for me to deal

with my guilt.

IT WASN'T UNTIL YOU

CAME TO D.C. When we had

both dropped out of college.

We shared an apartment for

awhile. We talked alot. I start–

ed seeing you as a personmore

and

les~

as "older brother

hero."

And then the weekend we

both went to the first Christ–

opher Street March. Could

anyone have been so lucky.

To march down the straight

streets of New York with my

brother, meeting some people

from D.C. there. Talking. Be–

ing on my own. Being with

you. Walking to someone's

.apartment with about six

other people, we all held

hands in new brotherhood. (I

realized that what the otl1'er

people were feeling was in–

deed, a brotherhood. And I

stuck close to you.) When

people started holding hands,

I was standing next to you.

Faltered for an explanation.

For the first time we touched

each other as gay brothers.

It is still hard for us to

express physical love for one

another. Ain't it hard enough

being gay, without the incest

crap hanging around. 1 know

friends are always asking have

we ever made love...and how

it became imperative for us to

explain that, no...never. Not

touched.

AND THEN YOU LEFT

FOR SAN FRANCISCO. A

get together with all our

friends. Our gay brothers.

And I felt left out. Michael

and Tim hugged and kissed

you. And everyone said good–

bye and touched and left. I

1972

had repressed, as usual, feel –

ings of what it would be like

not to be with you. And I left

before other people. You

came outside with me. We are

so -clumsy with each other. I

said good-bye...and then ter–

rified moved to embrace you.

We held each other for the

first goddamn time. 1'd said I

love you brother. I love you.

You are as far away now.

We talk on the phone. Write

letters. You talk about a new

dress you've bought. I talk

about wearing some lipstick

to the movies the other night.

We talk about other things. I

told you the other night a–

bout "breaking up" with

someone. Feeling so "unliber–

ated." So tied to so many

person to person hangups.

Feel caught in the same pat–

terns.

And when I sat down to

write this tonight I was think–

ing...brother, for now you

are the only gay man I've had

a lasting relationship with.

I'm not laying more shit

on your head. I don't want to

be your lover. I am your

lover. That is what I'm writ–

ing. What does being in love

with someone mean. Not that

I can get it together to go to

bed with you.

I am your lover. That

means I love you more and

more as a gay man . As a

person . ..who also happens

to be my brother. Perhaps

what our struggle as brothers

in gay liberation has done is

to eliminate, or free us, from

each other as family. It means

so many things. We can talk

about that.

For this article ...

THERE IS MORE, so much

more, than coming out ...

brothers.

Love,

Chris

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